Kitty Kitty, Bang Bang
by Catspook
Summary: Another kinkmeme fill - Loki/Tony - post movie, Loki and Tony are turned into affectionate kittens that no one knows how to deal with
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note:

This is yet another kinkmeme fill, this one from Avengerkink. Here is the prompt:

"Loki is still the Avengers enemy. During a fight with Dr. Doom, Loki's ally, Doom fires an experimental ray at Tony and Loki ends up getting hit by it as well. Doom escapes and the Avengers find two kittens where Tony and Loki were standing. It's easy to distinguish between them, Tony's the black and white kitten with fur on his snout that looks like his goatee and Loki is the black cat with green eyes. Thor insists that they take Loki as well back to the Tower, but they keep them separate.

The next day, when they wake up, neither of them can find the kittens and they're panicking that Loki killed Tony and ran off. Instead, they find the two kittens snuggling and asleep in a sunbeam. After that, they find them either playing together of cuddling and purring, etc. The Avengers assume that they don't have memories of their human forms and let them be. They don't turn back for a good month. Loki immediately kisses Tony before giving his farewell and the Avengers are too shocked to follow. Turns out they've been together for much longer."

Disclaimer: Not mine – now or ever.

Kitty Kitty, Bang Bang

-Catspook

The bad news was that Loki had slipped his leash less than a month after arriving back in Asgard and had immediately returned to Earth to cause trouble. The good news was that he hadn't killed anybody yet. This appeared to be due to the fact that his idea of trouble had apparently downgraded from "Conquer All the Humans!" to "Turn All the Human into Kitties!"

No, really.

He had even teamed up with Doom to do this.

Seriously.

"You called it, Banner," Clint said. "Bag of cats. Bag. Of. Cats."

"Well," Bruce said, pulling on a shirt, "Technically he's just the one cat. The black and white one is clearly Tony; the arc reactor is a dead giveaway."

"I'm seriously creeped out by how calm you are about this."

Bruce smirked, "Interesting. People are usually more creeped out when I'm not calm." He's such a troll.

"I'm more concerned about the fact that we lost Doom," Steve said, all responsible and leaderly, "He took the ray with him. How are we supposed to reverse this?"

"We beat it out of Loki." Clint groused.

"Nay, Man of Hawk, my brother cannot answer your questions in this form, regardless of your brutality," Thor replied calmly from the ground. He was on his hands and knees, trying to coax his tiny, furry brother out from under an overturned car. Loki was not having it. This surprised no one.

Neither did Clint's suggestion of beating the answer out of the transformed god, his inability to speak notwithstanding; it was the archer's default proposed solution to any problem since the trickster's return (The coffee machine is broken? Beat a new one out of Loki!). It began as a form of catharsis for Clint, and had since become an ingrained habit; even Thor had come to accept it as the way of things. Banner became the Hulk, Stark got drunk and built shit, and Clint threatened Loki with bodily harm. Sunrise, sunset.

"We'll simply have to take them both back to the lab and try to find a cure on our own," Bruce supplied. He was fully clothed once again, and moved to take Tony from Natasha, whom the kitten had been trying to maim for the last few minutes. Bet you didn't notice that silent battle going on, huh? Natasha's just that badass.

But Bruce and Tony are sciencebros, and Tony eagerly jumped into Bruce's arms once Natasha loosened her grip. The wealthiest cat on Earth (or any other planet) instantly began purring like a 400 horsepower engine, rubbing his furry head against the bottom of Bruce's chin. Deep inside of Bruce, the Hulk went "AWWWWWWW!"

*o*o*o*

JARVIS is a smartass. This fact was undeniably proved, once again, when the Avengers (plus Loki) arrived back at the tower. "Good afternoon. I have retrieved the Mark VII Iron Man suit from the scene of your last battle. I have also taken the liberty of ordering kitten food, litter boxes, and other assorted supplies; they will arrive within the hour. Will you require anything else?"

"How about a kitty taser?" Clint asked, glaring at Loki (or rather, the bundle of green cape containing Loki – it was the only way they had been able to catch and keep a hold of the scrappy little feline).

"I'm afraid no such product exists, Agent Barton. I could request that Mr. Stark invent one, but he is currently indisposed." See? Smartass. "However, five spray bottles will be arriving with the shipment of pet supplies." At least he's a helpful smartass.

"Spray bottles?" Steve asked.

"Bottles that spray water are commonly used to deter cats from investigating areas or substances that may be harmful to them; considering the sheer number of such areas in this building, I thought it would prove useful for each Avenger to have one on hand. And Agent Barton, I must request, out of concern for Mr. Stark, that you refrain from filling yours with anything other than water."

"How about booze? He'd like that."

"Unfortunately, what Mr. Stark likes and what is good for him rarely coincide."

Does it sound to you like JARVIS is speaking here about something more than his creator's drinking habits? Good, go with that feeling.

"I will take Loki to my room," Thor announced.

"There's a shocker," Clint responded.

"I'll take Tony to the lab," Bruce supplied.

"And there's another."

Steve merely nodded, "It is a good idea to keep them separated for now, and I don't much care for the idea of Loki being near the experimental equipment, particularly the Iron Man suits. And I want Tony's arc reactor looked at too; there's no telling what the spell did to it.

"While Bruce does that and Thor watches Loki; Clint, Natasha, and I will give the mission report. Fury needs to know what has happened, and that Doom is still on the loose with that ray. We don't know his plans, or what impact Loki being hit might have on them; he might even have planned it this way from the beginning."

"I'm thinking not," Clint said, "Unless he's into bestiality; everyone knows Doom has a boner for Loki. Plus that shot? Near impossible to do that on purpose."

"I agree," Natasha added. "Doom's rage at Loki being hit was real. If anyone planned this, it was Loki."

"And doesn't that just give us all a warm, fuzzy feeling?" Clint quipped.

Steve sighed and gave him a look.

"What? Stark can't talk; someone's got to pick on the slack!"

*o*o*o*

"Tony, hold still," Bruce scolded. It turned out getting a tiny, hyperactive kitten to sit still for an x-ray is really pretty difficult – who knew?

In the end, Bruce simply had to gently hold Tony still and wait for him to fall asleep; it didn't actually take all that long. That thing about cats falling asleep anywhere? Totally true. Even Tony Stark is not immune (when he's a cat).

"Well, Tony," Bruce said once his tests were over and Tony was once again awake, "The arc reactor appears to have adapted just fine to your new body, which is pretty neat trick if I do say so myself. I'll have to ask Doom and Loki how they pulled it off once we have them in custody. And human. Aesir. Jotun. Whatever."

"Mew!"

"What? I'm not letting you off that table."

"Mew!"

"Here," Bruce said, tossing a large screw onto the table next to Tony, "Play with that."

Tony did.

*o*o*o*

"Here we are, brother!" Thor announced.

The bundle of green fabric hissed.

"Patience! Once I secure the door I will let you free."

Loki screeched.

"What? You don't want me to set you free?" Thor smirked. "See? You're not the only one who can tease." Yes, Thor, we're all very impressed.

Ok, so maybe Loki wasn't. The first thing the black kitten did when Thor released him was to flee into Thor's closet and pee on his boots.

Thor sighed, "Must you flee from me, brother?" Yeah, he didn't notice the pee thing yet; he'll throw a proper temper tantrum when he does.

"Mrow!" And that means 'yes'. Loki also began shredding the pants of the suit hanging in Thor's closet; I'm pretty sure that means 'fuck you, Thor'.

Thor sat on his bed, all blond and morose. We feel for you, Thor.

Loki stuck his head inside Thor's running shoe then fled in terror. Yeah, we feel for you too, Loki.

*o*o*o*

By eleven no progress had been made towards reversing Tony and Loki's transformations, and Steve told Bruce to get some sleep and pick it up again tomorrow. He also bore some bad news from his meeting with Fury, "SHIELD's resources are being directed towards locating Doom. Until they find him, we're on our own with Tony and Loki."

"Mew!"

"You know, he is kind of cute like this." Steve tickled Tony under his fuzzy chin. "Thor's taking Loki for the night; I'll take this little guy. You know, so you can get some sleep and he won't tear up the lab." Sure, Cap, we totally believe you.

Bruce chuckled, "If that's what you want. I should warn you though; cats are nocturnal."

"Yeah, well most of the time, so is Tony."

"Mew!"

*o*o*o*

Steve definitely should have listened to Bruce.

Tony spent the first part of the night as a walking, meowing, scratching flashlight. He spent the rest of the night in the guest room across the hall. Steve would come to regret this the next morning when Thor charged into his room – Clint on his heels with bow drawn - yelling that Loki was missing. The door to Tony's room was open a kitten-sized crack and the billionaire was missing too. The three of them totally did not panic (honest, they didn't) for about five minutes before an unimpressed Natasha showed up and suggested asking JARVIS where they might be.

"Loki and Mr. Stark are in the main living area."

As one, the Avengers turned and charged up the stairs to the floor above, intent on rescuing their comrade from Loki's evil clutches. Instead they found Bruce, nursing a cup of tea and smiling at the two kittens curled up together in front of the windows.

"Quick!" Clint shouted, "Check his eyes; see if they're blue!"

"Bruce's or Tony's?" Natasha asked.

"Both!"

*o*o*o*


	2. Chapter 2

*o*o*o*

Fortunately, Bruce's eyes were his usual brown, and Tony's were the same green-gold they were yesterday. Unfortunately, when Clint bent down to check Tony, Loki raked the back of his hand with a paw full of tiny, wickedly sharp, kitty claws.

"Fuck! I'm going to shish kabob you, you little fucker!"

Loki was unimpressed; he simply lay back down next to Tony, and yawned an adorable kitty yawn (you know the kind I'm talking about). Apparently it was contagious, because Tony yawned as well. And as everyone knows, this squared the adorability of Loki's yawn, causing the room to reach critical mass of adorableness. This caused Steve to let out a distinctly audible, involuntary "Awww" which in turn caused Clint to glare at him.

"What? Tony is cute. Like this."

"Just Tony, right Cap?"

"Uh…"

"Don't let Clint bully you, Steve," Bruce said, "In this form, Loki is cute too."

Clint turned his Glare of Death on Bruce, but Bruce is immune (for the obvious as well as some less obvious reasons). "What? Doesn't mean he's not a psychopath; most cats are psychopaths. Especially the cute ones."

"You had a cat when you were a kid, didn't you?" Clint asked, suspiciously.

"Several," Bruce deadpanned, taking a sip of tea. "They were all very cute."

Clint huffed.

*o*o*o*

"Stop following me or I will turn you into a kitty pincushion!"

"Alas, Man of Hawk, My brother has never been one to do what he is told, even when threatened with physical violence."

"Especially when threatened with physical violence," Natasha added. "Unless it's the Hulk, and I doubt he could catch something that small and fast; he's a berserker, not a sniper."

"No, but I am! Take that!" and Clint unleashed the spray bottle.

"MEEEEEOW!" Loki screamed and bolted from the room.

Thor sighed, but said nothing. If the state of his own closet was any indication, Loki would have his revenge long before the day was out.

He was correct.

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT?!"

*o*o*o*

Meanwhile, Steve had joined Bruce and Tony in the lab.

"I really don't think Loki did anything to him; his readings are the same as yesterday."

"Good, good," the super-soldier replied, watching Tony bat at a piece of rubber tubing. "Do you think he has any of his human memories at all?"

"Hard to say, but I doubt he has a complete concept of what he was; he hasn't tried to build anything or get into the liquor cabinet. He's shown interest in taking things apart, but that is typical cat behavior."

Tony abandoned the tubing and began sniffing around under a worktable.

"And nothing seems to hold his attention for any length of time, but that's typical Tony behavior. When he doesn't have a project, at least."

"Mew!"

Now Tony was trying to climb said worktable. The stainless steel legs provided little traction.

"Mew!"

"You know, I've got all the samples I need for now. I could probably concentrate better if someone else could watch him." Hint, hint.

"I'll watch him." We knew you would, Cap.

So did Bruce. "Thanks," he said with a smile. "You know, you could always have JARVIS compile camera footage Tony's kitten behavior; it might give us some clues as to how much of his human mind he retains, if any." And we're so very sure that's the only reason you're suggesting this, Bruce.

Steve nodded, "That's a good idea. JARVIS?"

"Already done, Captain."

Bruce smiled a little wider. Be afraid, Tony. Be very afraid.

"Mew!"

*o*o*o*

Captain took Tony back upstairs to find Thor gleefully stacking cardboard boxes.

"What are you doing?"

"I have consulted JARVIS, and he has informed me that on Earth, cats enjoy nothing so much as cardboard boxes. I thought if I constructed a palace of cardboard in the living area, Loki might be diverted from following Clint. And perhaps Tony will enjoy it as well."

Tony did.

Steve and Thor spent the next hour cooing at the black and white kitten as he climbed, attacked, sat in, and otherwise explored every box in the room. At some point, Loki stalked over to investigate and ended up tackling Tony into a furry heap. Steve and Thor were initially alarmed, but Tony seemed to be more than pleased to have a playmate, and the two of them appeared to have a grand old time tumbling all over each other.

Thor was over the moon. Not only had his plan worked, but also Loki was, for the first time in a very long time, getting along with one of Thor's friends! Can we have a moment of silence to acknowledge Thor's bro feels?

Steve was also grinning like an idiot. "You know, I always wanted a pet when I was a kid, but we couldn't get one because of my asthma." And a moment for Steve's woobie feels as well? Thank you.

"What is an asthma?" Thor asked.

"It's an illness that makes it hard to breathe. Things like dust and pet fur make it worse."

"Could you not have a pet without fur?"

"For a little while, I had a goldfish I won on Coney Island, but it's not the same. I always wanted a dog. Or a cat."

"Mew!"

"Yes, cats are quite delightful. Did you know my mother has them pull her chariot?"

Steve blinked. "How many does it take? And how does she get them to all go in the same direction?"

Thor's laugh rattled the windows and startled Loki, who fell off a pile of boxes.

"Mew!"

"Mother's cats are much larger than this. She can ride them if she desires."

"Oh! Like tigers!"

"Tigers?"

"Big orange and black striped cats. They don't live in the Americas, though."

"Ah. Mother's are blue."

"Blue?!"

"Mew!"

*o*o*o*

Several hours later, Natasha wandered in to find the living room a mess of cardboard and Steve and Thor staring intently into the middle of it. Sneaking up behind them (because she is Natasha, and that's how she rolls), she found they were actually tenderly watching a sleeping Tony and Loki.

"Why do you suppose he's lying like that?" Steve asked. She assumed he meant Tony, who was lying on his back, paws tucked close to his body and tail curled under him.

"Probably because of the arc reactor," Natasha suggested, startling the two men. "If he lay on his side like Loki is doing, his ribcage would compress around the arc reactor. It would probably dig into his front legs, too."

"Oh! Hello, Natasha!" Steve greeted. He was obviously embarrassed at having been caught mooning over the kittens. He'd be a lot more embarrassed when he found out what Bruce was planning to do with the surveillance footage.

But duty quickly trumps embarrassment when it comes to Steve Rogers, "Any further contact from Fury?"

"Yes. No progress had been made in locating Doom, and as Banner's tests indicate these two are stable, he's calling me and Barton in."

"Is that wise? What if Doom decides to come after Tony when he's like this? Or Loki?"

"Fury is actually hoping for something like that; if word gets out the Avengers are scattered, he's hoping Doom might rise to the bait and we can get him that way. There will be a team monitoring this location at all times, while Hawkeye and I make ourselves visible leading teams in other locations."

"And we just wait for Doom to show up?" Steve frowned. He was the undisputed leader of the Avengers, but Natasha and Clint were split between the Avengers and SHIELD; it made him uneasy when Fury decided to make off with a third of his team like this.

"Or Banner finds a way to reverse the process. SHEILD's priority is getting Doom in custody; once that happens, they will be able to spare some scientists to help."

Steve nodded, "I'm still not sure I like it, but we haven't been able to come up with a better plan. And Doom is down a man too," he nodded to Loki who was latched on to Tony like a furry barnacle. Admit it, you just 'aww'ed a bit, didn't you?

"Indeed," Thor agreed, "Doom was not nearly so troublesome before he and my brother began to collaborate. I will be ready if he attempts to take my brother back." Uh oh, protective bro instincts kicking in; you had better not try it, Doom.

Steve nodded again, "And we have the Hulk as well if worse come to worse."

"And the tower's defenses," Natasha added. "With your permission, I'll go collect Clint. Give him something to shoot at besides Loki," she smiled faintly.

Steve suddenly had a vision of Loki leading Clint on a merry chase though the tower, while the archer swore and filled the walls full of arrows. "You know, that probably *is* a good idea."

*o*o*o*


	3. Chapter 3

*o*o*o*

When it came time to separate the kittens for the night, they were not cooperative. Loki became a snarling, scratching ball of kitty fury, and Tony meowed in an undeniably grumpy manner. Constantly. And then he began scratching at the door.

"Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"No, Tony, we're not letting you run around the tower with Loki all night. It's dangerous."

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"No, Tony."

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"I've got a bag of treats here; do you want one?"

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"That door is reinforced steel; you aren't going to be able to claw your way through it."

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"I've got a mouse! Come catch the mouse!"

I think Steve's getting a little desperate, don't you?

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"Tony, stop."

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"Stop!"

Yup, desperate.

*o*o*o*

"Now, brother, there is no need to be upset. You will be reunited with Tony tomorrow."

"Hsssssssss."

"And I do apologize about netting you so, but you were not being very cooperative."

"Rrrrrrr! Hsss!"

"I will *not* be released you until you have calmed down. I have learned patience here on Midgard." You sure about that, Thor?

Sure enough, an hour later Thor was knocking on Steve's door; Loki still bundled up in the remains of his cape.

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

And yes, Tony was still going at it too.

"Hold on!"

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"Ouch! Tony!"

"…Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow…"

"Gotcha! Come in!"

Thor opened the door carefully, correctly assuming that Tony was trying to make a break for it; fortunately, Steve had a good grip on their transformed team member. "Hello, Thor, what did you need?"

"Perhaps the same thing you need. I fear no peace will be had tonight if we continue to separate my brother from Tony."

Indeed, both Loki and Tony had quieted, and Tony was leaning forward to sniff at the cloth containing Loki instead of gnawing on Steve's hands.

"Hm. I don't want to leave them unattended in the tower, but perhaps one of us can take them both?"

Thor grinned, "Those were my thoughts as well. I will be happy to have them both in my rooms tonight!"

"You sure? Tony can be a handful."

"Mew!"

Thor looked at the bundle of cloth in his hand and smiled wryly. "I believe I can manage, Captain."

Famous last words.

*o*o*o*

Thor's zombie impression the next morning was spot on.

"Hnngh…"

"Good morning, Thor. Something wrong with your helmet?" Of course, Bruce knew exactly what is going on; he just wanted to see if Thor was capable of speech after a night with Loki and Tony. Don't be a troll to Thor, Bruce; he had a rough night.

"Do not wake them," Thor growled (I think that was supposed to be a whisper, but Thor doesn't really do 'whisper') and gently placed his upturned helmet on the table. Bruce peered in, and sure enough, Loki and Tony were curled up together inside. Hulk's "AWWWWW" sounded a bit louder to Bruce this time.

"Cute. They been like that long?"

Thor frowned as he poured himself a mug of coffee. "No." He refused to elaborate, not that he had to.

Once Thor had finished his mug of coffee (and several more), he was more awake, and Bruce was able to request his assistance in the lab. "I know you haven't studied magic as much as Loki has, but you still know more about it than any of us. I'd like to go over my data with you and reference it to what you know about Loki's magic; that OK?"

"Will you require Loki and Tony to be in attendance as well?"

"Not quite yet; Steve can watch them."

Loki yawned. It was adorable. And sinister.

*o*o*o*

Steve was having a grand old time watching Tony zoom around the living room, chasing a sparkly red and gold ball; it really was a lot more entertaining at two in the afternoon than two in the morning.

"Mew! Mew!"

Loki was crouched over the edge of the sofa watching as well. JARVIS had ordered several toys along with the food and litter boxes, but while Tony loved them all, Loki seemed unimpressed. Steve tried to get him interested in a green mouse, but he merely batted it to the floor with one swipe then returned to watching Tony.

Steve felt kind of guilty when Tony rushed over to see what had fallen and Loki pounced on him like Death from Above with a mighty cry that was 80% "utterly adorable" and 20% "Die, mortal!". Steve was about to intervene when Tony apparently gained the advantage and began chasing Loki though the jungle of cardboard.

"Mew!" Steve imagined that meant, "Begone, pathetic Midgardian!"

"Mew!" And that was clearly "I am Iron Man! You will not escape!"

Cap, I think it's time to take a break; you're hearing things.

And hey, there's a visitor! Oh wait, it's Doom.

BOOM!

"Captain Rogers, Dr. Von Doom appears to have fired a missile at the penthouse landing pad. Response drones were able to intercept and prevent 79.3% of projected damage, but he appears to be reloading."

Oh, JARVIS, you alarmist, you.

Steve leapt to his feet, "Alert Thor and Dr. Banner," he ordered intent on grabbing Loki and Tony and locking them in a secure location (the nearest bathroom) before engaging Doom. Fortunately, the noise had scared both kitties away from the windows and towards to sofa, so it was not very difficult to quickly grab them both.

"Already done, sir."

BOOM!

The tower shook slightly and both kittens screamed at the noise. Steve (as per the plan) left them on top of a towel in the linen closet then grabbed his shield; JARVIS locked the bathroom door behind him and helpfully supplied an update. "Thor and Dr. Banner are projected to arrive in 2.1 minutes. Dr. Von Doom appears to have four additional missiles in his possession. He also appears to be accompanied by 24 doom bots."

BOOM!

"Dr. Von Doom has three missiles in his possession."

"Got it, JARVIS. Are the drones holding up?"

"Two of the eight drones remain online."

"Great."

BOOM!

"No drones remain online."

"Wonderful."

SMASH!

"Dr. Banner has exited the building."

"Even better."

I think dear Steve has started to pick up a little bit of snark lately; what do you think?

*o*o*o*


	4. Chapter 4

*o*o*o*

It was no wonder Loki had teamed up with Doom; they both dug the creepy clone thing. Doom's copies were so exact, in fact, that Thor, Steve, and the SHEILD agents quickly lost track of Doom in the crowd of attacking Doombots. Steve was really missing Tony's aerial surveillance via the Iron Man suit; he had not realized how much he had relied on it to pick the real Doom (and Loki) out from their battalions of clones.

Fortunately, they had the Hulk. Apparently Loki isn't the only person he can "smell the crazy on", because when Doom slipped away from the battle and into the tower, Hulk was the first to notice. With a might roar of "KITTY!" he leapt onto the tower and began scaling it like a green King Kong.

"KITTY!"

When Hulk reached the floor where Tony and Loki were hidden, Doom had already blasted though the bathroom door and was reaching into the linen closet. Fortunately (for everyone besides Doom) he didn't get the reception he was expecting.

When he reached through the door, Loki ducked under his hand and launched himself at the dictator's face (Go, Loki, go!). Startled, Doom staggered back a step then slipped on the bathroom rug, smashing into the sink. Water sprayed everywhere. He lunged after Loki, but missed by a mile as the black kitten (now resembling a tiny, wet gremlin) streaked into the main area. Stumbling, the dictator suddenly found his feet lifted off the ground as the Hulk grabbed him in both, enormous hands. Doom found himself face-to-face with the Hulk and a feline Tony, the latter's tail held high as he perched on the behemoth's shoulder.

"Hulk's kitty," the Hulk growled right in Doom's face.

There really wasn't a whole lot Doom could say to that.

"Mew!"

*o*o*o*

Once in SHEILD custody, Doom declared himself invulnerable to torture and interrogation. And hour later, Natasha strode out of his holding cell rolling her eyes.

"Without the aid of a sorcerer from Asgard, we cannot reverse the ray's effects; however they will reverse themselves in approximately a month."

"Any information on how much the ray affects their minds?" Bruce asked.

"Apparently he didn't bother to ask Loki that little detail when he wove the spells; he doesn't know and he's been stewing about it. He's not afraid of SHEILD; he's afraid of Loki. And the Hulk, but mostly Loki."

"So he's not as stupid as he looks."

Everyone stared at Steve.

"What? Clint and Tony aren't here; someone had to say it!" Captain America, folks – he does what has to be done!

*o*o*o*

Meanwhile…

"What do you mean Tony's a cat?!" Uh oh; someone's in trouble.

Clint knew they had forgotten something. That 'something' was Pepper, who had been away on a business trip but returned immediately when JARVIS contacted her about the damage to the tower. Thor, Steve, and Bruce were doing the battle debrief while Natasha interrogated Doom, leaving Clint to watch the kittens alone and now deal with Stark's assistant… CEO… whatever. Clint was too distracted by those stilettos; they looked like they could do a lot of damage. They can, Clint, and they have. Be afraid.

"Mew!"

For his part, Tony was extremely excited to see Pepper, and was falling all over himself rubbing up against her ankles. Loki was watching the entire debacle from the back of the couch with what Clint perceived as dark glee. Clint glared at him on general principle before trying to explain the situation is such a way that would not cause Pepper to attack him with a seven-inch Louboutin. Or a lawsuit; Clint was a government employee and lived off Stark's dime - whatever the financial penalty was for turning a billionaire into a cat, Clint couldn't pay it.

"I'm not allowed to reveal specifics," He began, "But we have the perpetrators on custody and we are interrogating one of them now on how to reverse the effect. Dr. Banner has been working on reverse engineering a cure as well; SHIELD has no reason to believe this is permanent." Please don't kill me. Or sue me.

Pepper scowled and crossed her arms, not buying it. "I want to speak to Director Fury. JARVIS says it's been two days and no one thought to contact me. Tony is not just Iron Man, he's the face and head engineer of Stark Industries."

"Mew!"

And now he's a cat. Who was apparently sick of being ignored. Oblivious (or apathetic) to the conversation between Pepper and Clint, the black and white kitten began scrabbling at Pepper's leg in the universal kitty gesture of "Pet me! PET ME NOW!" Pepper was steadfast. Her pantyhose were not.

"Tony!" Pepper scolded as the cat tugged at his front paws, unsure what strange substance he had encountered.

"Mew!" The last, fragile, nylon thread gave away and Tony tumbled onto his back, tail whirling and paws waving. The arc reactor shone like a beacon, and Pepper sighed. She could no longer deny the furry reality.

She bent down and picked Tony up, peering closely at the arc reactor. This was no robot, and despite his seeming lack of concern for, well, most things, Tony would never subject someone else to the arc reactor implant, not even an animal.

"Mew!" Tony swiped a playful paw at Pepper's nose, as if to say 'Cheer up, Peps, it's not so bad'.

Pepper smiled and rubbed Tony's ears. Clint took a deep breath, grateful (for once) for Tony's way with women. Oh, you underestimate Pepper, Clint; you underestimate her greatly.

Pepper's smile turned lethal, "I insist on seeing Director Fury before five. And if this does not get sorted out, the least you can expect is an end to any and all cooperation from Stark Industries. In perpetuity."

"Mew!"

*o*o*o*

In the end, Pepper did get to see Fury by five, and the team got to return to the tower in time for dinner. There was some rearranging of personal effects and visits by workmen to cover the holes Doom's missiles (and the Hulk) had left in the sides of the building, but the tower was declared 'livable' for the time being and the team was cheered to know that their furry problem would correct itself. Eventually.

In the meantime, they had become the World's Greatest Cat Sitters (for a given definition of 'greatest'). With Doom and Loki both out of commission they were unlikely to be called into battle, and with Tony and the tower less than fully available, most of their side projects had to be put on hold as well. Steve was taking the opportunity to get some drawing done, and encouraged his team to pursue their own hobbies as long as both Loki and Tony were kept under close watch. This was fine with the team, as watching Loki *is* Thor's hobby. Bruce took up needlepoint; he enjoyed making everyone jump by swearing loudly whenever he pricked himself. Natasha did… Natasha things (read: classified). Clint took up hunting. Loki. With a Nerf gun.

"Gotcha!"

Thor sighed as Loki streaked angrily through the living room, Tony watching curiously. "Friend Clint, you know my brother will only leave more surprises in your bed if you continue this."

Clint easily jumped down from one of the still exposed I-beams, Nerf gun still drawn and ready. "He's got to run out of rodents eventually. Then again, this is New York. But he'd probably keep doing it anyway; he shouldn't be the only one getting his kicks."

Thor frowned and narrowed his eyes, "Kicks?"

"It's an expression, big guy; means 'thrills'. Because leaving a dead rodent in someone's bed has got to be the most fun Loki's had in a while. Unless he and Doom actually were hitting the sheets, in which case I really don't want to know about it."

"Mew!"

"Hey, Tony. Loki give you fleas, yet?"

"Mew!"

"Wait…" Clint took a closer look at Tony, who was crouched over a Starkpad. "What is he doing?"

"Oh! JARVIS displayed for me a series of videos of cats enjoying an electronic game by the name of 'Fruit Ninja'; Tony has proved most adept at it!"

"Mew!"

Tony eagerly pounced on the Starkpad, swiping at the digital fruit flying across the screen.

"Huh." You're melting inside, Clint - admit it.

"Mew!"

Yup. Like butter.

*o*o*o*

The feud between Loki and Clint continued to escalate (I know, you're shocked, right?). Natasha began to question if Loki really did retain some of his human(oid) mind when he somehow left three live but bleeding rats in Clint's locked bedroom while simultaneously avoiding the eagle-eyed, Nerf-toting Avenger for an entire afternoon. Clint was not pleased (another shocker, I'm sure).

But what made her even more suspicious was a pattern she noticed in Loki's response to Clint's attacks. When disturbed while awake or sleeping alone, he almost always fled before vandalizing Clint's property (Or Thor's property. Or Steve's. Or the tower in general). However, when disturbed while sleeping cuddled up to Tony – which appeared to be his preferred position - he would immediately respond with aggression, biting and scratching like a fuzzy little demon. The implications – especially if Loki was aware of what he was doing - were worrying.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," She warned Clint as he approached the sleeping cats with a fully loaded Super Soaker (meaning a Super Soaker that was completely filled with water, but also outfitted with all the bell and whistles Hasbro has to offer).

"Why not?" Clint asked, never taking his eyes away from his target. "I won't hit Tony, and even if I did, the little furball deserves it for running up and down the hallway in front of my room for two hours last night. I swear, somehow he is getting into the caffeine."

"Caffeine is toxic to cats, Agent Barton," JARVIS chimed in, "I assure you, I have not allowed Mr. Stark to ingest any."

Clint shrugged, still stalking a sleeping Loki, "Then I guess he's just hyper."

"Indeed, sir."

Clint laughed. "You're a real peach, JARVIS, you know that?"

"Thank you, sir."

"Aha!" Clint fired. Loki leapt up and latched onto his bare arm. By the time is was over, Clint and Loki were both soaked to the bone, Clint was bleeding from both arms and his face, and one of Tony's ridiculously expensive, modern side tables was a pile of ridiculously expensive, modern splinters.

Steve took Clint's Super Soaker and all his Nerf guns away. In no way dissuaded, Clint (still wet and bleeding) stalked into the nearest toy store and demanded something that would "teach that fucking demonic little furball a lesson". The video of him doing this was posted on YouTube before he got back to the tower. The first hate mail arrived the next morning. The lawsuit from PETA came a day after that.

Well, if nothing else, Clint no longer cared about being compared to Grumpy Cat*. It's the little victories that count.

*o*o*o*

*AN: This is an actual thing! Link available on my profile.


	5. Chapter 5

*o*o*o*

It was Bruce who came up with a solution to Clint's PR problem; a solution that would forever be known to SHEILD as the "Furby defense". As Tony's sciencebro, he alone had known that Tony (prior to being cattified) had purchased half a dozen Furbys and replaced their circuitry with Startek in preparation for "the Most Epic Halloween Prank Ever!" The details to said prank had been lacking, but Bruce did know where the Stark-Ferbys (Furbystarks?) were being kept. He liberated one and presented it to Clint.

"You want me to what now?" the archer asked, nonplussed.

"Have JARVIS film you attacking this Furby. And allow me to post it online."

"You've got some weird kinks, man," Clint replied, and to himself he muttered, "It's always the quiet ones…"

Bruce rolled his eyes but smirked inwardly. If course he could have explained his plan plainly and upfront, but what fun would that be? His sciencebro was a cat – he had to entertain himself somehow. "Look. What is a Furby?"

"Really creepy and annoying. What are you getting at?"

"Correct. And Tony has souped this one up with his own person tech – what is it now?"

Clint inched backwards. "A time-bomb."

"Right. Even… demonic would you say?"

"Yeah. Get it away from me."

Bruce ignored Clint's request. "And what does a Furby look like? Is it… furry?"

"Yeah, so? Doc, what is – Oh!" Give the Hawk a cookie – he got it!

"I film myself trashing this thing, you post it online, and people will think this was what I was talking about the whole time – people can't bitch about me being cruel to animals if there's no animal!"

"Eureka," Bruce deadpanned.

*o*o*o*

The subsequent filming went even better than Bruce had expected. It turned out that as a cat Tony had apparently no memory of creating the Super!furby, and he was utterly terrified of it. The video started with the Furby cackling insanely and walking slowly forwards as the black and white kitten fled in horror. Clint then got to play the part of hero by putting an arrow through the screeching toy. But the Furby did not stop; it continued to move forwards, eerily reminiscent of a Terminator. Only it was a Furby. Which is much more terrifying, actually.

Off camera, Clint could be heard muttering, "What the Hell? Stark, what did you do to this thing?"

"Mew!"

Loki to the rescue! The black kitten stalked into the frame, puffed up and hissing like a rattlesnake.

"Hey! Stay away from there!"

A second arrow then pierced the now sparking Furby and gave off a localized EMP. The Furby wailed as it died and Loki leaped at it, knocking it over. Go Loki!

"Get away from there!" Clint charged on screen and scooped Loki up in one hand. The video cut out a moment later.

Clint was pissed Loki had stolen his moment and spoiled the shoot, but Bruce declared it "Perfect!"

"What? Loki ruined it! Does Stark have any more Furbys?"

"No need – remember, no one outside SHEILD knows who these cats are. To the average viewer, it looks like you were concerned about either of the kittens getting hurt."

"Oh, I- OW!" Loki chose just that moment to sink his needle-like teeth into the skin between Clint's finger and thumb. The archer predictably lost his grip on the kitten, who (also predictably) fled the room. Really, Clint, you should know better by now.

But you don't.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" Clint shouted as he chased after the fleeing god-turned-cat.

Bruce smiled as he saved that little clip for his personal collection.

*o*o*o*

The video did indeed resolve Hawkeye's little PR nightmare, but presented it's own set of problems. Suddenly the Tower was flooded with even more mail, cooing over the Avenger's new cats (and apologizing to Hawkeye for thinking he could possibly be "evil, heartless, animal-abusing scum"). There were also gifts.

"JARVIS! WHAT HAS BEFALLEN MY BROTHER?"

"Loki has imbibed an herb known as 'catnip'. It was sent to the tower from one of his new admirers."

"YOU INFORMED ME THE GIFTS WERE SAFE! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!"

"Do not be alarmed. Catnip is a recreational substance that affects approximately 50% of cats. It has been known to elicit a variety of responses, but lying on the floor and drooling as well as purring are commonly observed in affected animals. You brother's response is perfectly normal."

Tony zoomed through the room.

"Hyperactivity has also been observed. Mr. Stark's response is likewise perfectly normal." Well, of course – since when is Tony not hyperactive?

*o*o*o*

The next month passed along a similar vein. Loki harassed Clint; Clint retaliated. Tony learned not to chew on electrical cords; Natasha was amused by the irony. Thor doted over both of the kittens (but especially Loki); Steve indulged his childhood longing for pets. And Bruce had JARVIS film everything. EVERYTHING.

Including the morning when Steve left Loki and Tony asleep in the living room in order to get some chips (barbeque flavor – Steve was suitably impressed variety of snack foods available in the 21st century) and returned to find the engineer and the god back in their respective engineer and god forms, still asleep and curled around each other. And naked. Completely, totally naked.

Steve stared. Which was perfectly understandable – if you walked in on a naked God of Mischief cuddling an equally naked Tony Stark, wouldn't you stare? Of course you would.

Loki, eyes still closed, simply smiled. "Captain, did your mother not teach you that it is impolite to stare?"

Steve gaped.

"Hm?" Tony shifted sleepily. "That you, Loks?"

Loki released his hold and opened his eyes, "What do you mean, 'is it me'? If you have taken another to your bed, Stark, I swear-"

Tony chucked, "Relax, sugar buns, it was a joke. Oh, hey, Steve! Wait why are you in my bedroom? Wait, this isn't my bedroom…"

Steve's mouth opened and closed silently. Loki stretched languidly, then - maintaining eye contact with the gob-smacked super-solder - caressed Tony's naked ass, kissed him behind the ear, cooed, "Until we meet again, my sweet," and vanished in a puff of green smoke.

Tony frowned and sat up just as Loki disappeared. "Wait! Oh, of course! Leave just before shit's about to hit the fan!" Tony muttered towards the space Loki had previously occupied. Sheepishly, he turned to Steve. "So… Cap. I guess the cat's out of the bag, huh?"

*o*o*o*

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH LOKI?!"

Tony sighed and rolled his eyes, "Sex, Legolas, it means we've been having sex."

"FOR HOW LONG?!"

"I don't know, six months?"

"SIX MONTHS?!"

"Maybe seven? Just after he got back from Asgard, anyway. Did you know they were dripping snake venom in his eyes? And before the whole Chitari thing, he tried to kill himself?"

"GOOD!"

Tony frowned. "Not good! The Chitari tortured him too; the portal thing was totally not his idea. The Chitari treated him like crap. Asgard treats him like crap. He keeps coming back here because we don't pull shit like that. And notice, since we've been fucking, his body count's at a big, fat zero. I told him that if he kills anybody this time around, I'm gone. My dick is literally protecting the Earth – respect it."

"NO! I WILL NEVER RESPECT YOUR DICK, YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!" and he stormed from the room.

The remaining Avengers shared awkward looks. "Well, I'd say he took it rather well," Bruce finally said. Natasha threw a wad of paper at him.

*o*o*o*

The next day, Doom vanished from SHIELD custody. The day after that, a gray spotted kitten was delivered to the tower in a steel, reinforced carrier. There was a note.

"Dearest Tony," it read in elegant script.

"I have kept my promise not to kill any of your kind. However, I could not allow Victor to go unpunished after the indignity he forced upon us. The spell I have placed on him will expire either at Rangarok or when he reaches the end of his natural lifespan – whichever comes first. Give Barton my regards,

"Loki"

"Ps: Tell Thor I still hate him."

*o*o*o*

Loki continued to keep his promise. He also continued to drop off various and sundry villains, rampaging aliens, and telemarketers on the Avengers' doorstep in kitten form. Some of them turned back after a month; some of them didn't. After several months of this – and many clandestine meetings between Tony and Loki - Loki abruptly announced he was moving in. That day. Tony and Thor were delighted. Steve and Natasha were wary, but could not deny that Loki as a tentative ally was by far preferable to Loki as an enemy. Bruce merely smiled.

That left Clint. They all expected him to be (understandably) upset, but instead he declared the announcement, "Awesome! I've got so much material man! If he's living here it will be revenge 24/7, and no pulling punches to keep the Humane Society off my ass!" And he retreated to his room, cackling. Loki looked amused.

He was less amused that night when Banner insisted he join them for movie night, only to find the night's selection was a two-hour highlight reel of his and Tony's kittenish escapades. Tony was by turns embarrassed and happy to join the rest of the Avengers in laughing themselves sick (Especially when it was Steve's turn to be embarrassed. The 'kitty nap time' sequence was especially saccharine – who knew Steve could sing?).

And then there was Banner - the Doctor was lounging casually on his end of the sofa watching Loki with an expression that is most often associated with the phrase, 'Problem, bro?'

Angry, but also subtly impressed by Banner's creativity (Really, it had nothing to do with being afraid of the Hulk. Really.), Loki merely crossed his arms and smirked. Challenge accepted.

The next day, the Avengers woke to find a new kitten in the tower and no Bruce. The mystery was solved fifteen minutes later when the tiny, brown tabby transformed into a 40 pound, green sphinx that Loki had a great deal of trouble peeling off his face. This time, Clint complied the highlight reel.

The End.


End file.
